I overheard a conversation a few years ago when our department’s administrative assistant said to a very tall gentleman, “you’re so tall!” He replied, “thank you.” And that started a chain of “notice-ings” for me on how we compliment and appreciate others. “Why was he thanking her?” He didn’t do anything. And “why was she complimenting him in the first place?,” I wondered. In another more recent instance, I heard Bo Derek talk on the Oprah Winfrey Show in a very humble manner about how her natural beauty had nothing to do with her actions. She realized that she was fortunate enough to have the genes and environment to grow into a beautiful woman. She made a career out of her beauty, something which took very little effort for her to maintain.
What do we get by complimenting somebody for something that they were given at conception? Is it just an acknowledgement of how much we appreciate those attributes? Perhaps their beauty made our day. Maybe we compliment the tall, the beautiful, the naturally smart to make them feel better. But that would only make sense if they were friends or loved ones. To compliment strangers on these traits means perhaps that at a deeper level, we want their approval or we want them to be our friends.
Here’s an idea… When we meet a naturally beautiful person, we should praise their parents. I know that it takes effort to maintain a good physique as one gets older so those efforts deserve praise based on the results even though we never really know how much comes from diet and exercise and how much comes from genetics. But one can’t mess up their own height or facial symmetry. Many of these same principles should apply to how we tend to compliment others for things they own. All it takes is money and perhaps good taste, but the items could have been bought with old money through no effort of the possessor of the object.
I don’t think we should appreciate physical attributes the same as work people do. I would argue that instead of praising people for things they aren’t responsible for, we should instead, for example, tell people who perform acts of kindness how nice they are. We should show appreciation to people who work hard at a task that few others could complete in the same successful manner. Many of us make careers out of action-based work based on abilities. But much of this work takes effort. It doesn’t stem from a state of just being. It’s not passive. There is often behind-the-scenes effort to develop knowledge and keep it up-to-date.
That’s why I think scientists and janitors should get paid more than somebody who looks pretty. Scientists study and work hard to solve puzzles that others cannot. Janitors work hard to do things others don’t want to do, ones that disgust many of us. (Why do humans get grossed out anyway? That’s the topic for a future post.)
Feel free to compliment me for my writing but not for my slightly below average height and slightly above ideal bodyweight. :-)
+ Atul
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